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Wed, Oct. 15th, 2003, 12:57 pm

hey guys. the following poem isn't all that good. i'm not saying that to be self-effacing, since i'm not really into that- its just my honest opinion. i just wanted to put something up on this community so that we might get started. you don't have to comment on it, but i was wondering if you guys could tell me what you read in terms of contemporary poetry, or even old stuff.. just what poets are you into? why? i also want to find some good experimental language stuff-- writing that is pushing boundaries, but not sacrificing readability and the potential for real emotional connection in doing so. anway, comment if you can think of anything like that, or just tell me who yr favorite poets are. thanks. <3


lazy stained and fading
laying face-up
holding still
and helping.

hold me down and
crawl by fours or twos.

i'm afraid of what you might think.

falling rain or racing
hiding pacing prying
placing perfect rows of prints
on pavement.

cold air is best on lungs inside
and free deep breaths.

light is grey on days and nights
turn yellow tungsten patchy
thankful warm and playful
pulling pushing laughing.


or just long hairs that prickle
droop or dance
cast inky thinner thin
fine shadows

while walls grow tall
and time makes time makes time
split open.

Mon, Oct. 20th, 2003 02:53 pm (UTC)

i tried responding to this last night, and it didn't work, and the masterpiece that was my response was, like so many others, lost. this post will only be a shadow of what could have been.

that being said, about your poem: i like all of the motion created by the emphasis and repetition of "-ing" words, this and the interior rhyme (especially a lot of the "a" sounds) make the poem move very quickly in parts, a motion that is nicely disrupted by the choppier lines and longer vowel sounds in the final three stanzas. i think the fourth stanza is my favorite, at least on the basis of sound alone. i think you capture the sense of waiting, or nervous energy and restless or aimless movement that accompanies waiting for something uncertain rather well, if that is what you were going for. i think the seventh stanza needs work - it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem (also, i think the word is "ineffable"). also, i'm not sure about your use of periods. they appear at the end of almost every stanza, but only seem to make sense in some of them - there are a few places where a period occurs in the middle of what seems like it should be a sentence (like between stanzas 1 and 2).

i haven't read that much contemporary poetry, and most of the poets that i've read you probably have as well, like william carlos williams, robert frost, seamus heaney, t.s. eliot, ee cummings. . . standard introductory-college-poetry-course assortment.